I Will Have to Choose Forgiveness

Motherhood is funny, sometimes ha-ha funny, sometime not ha-ha funny, more like “is this a sick joke?” funny.  I had a baby. I changed. I had absolutely no idea how little I changed, until I had three babies. I lost myself somewhere in the throws of two toddlers. I found myself again while pregnant with the third child. During that pregnancy, I was so overwhelmed with fear I would lose myself again, and God graciously pointed out, I was still lost.  I have beaten myself to a bloody emotional mess so many times it became redundant and I had to face my guilt and my glory. The Lord sheltered me, and gave me peace when I was at utter unrest. With His guidance I started looking at my journey thus far with a mindset of joy and victory.

 I am a mother, a loving, kind, fun, generous, selfish and sometimes angry mother. Practically, and painfully I have to look back at the times when I was so angry and reflect on that moment of disconnect between rational and rage. What made me so mad? Exhaustion? Fear? Frustration? The horror that this was going to happen tomorrow and the next day, and the next? Telletubbies?  I tend to think of that time, or really I do not like to think of that time at all. What a shame. This is one of the things I began to explore when pregnant. WHY was I so afraid of the past? I believe I was so completely convinced I had totally screwed up, that I blocked out 5 whole years? Short, precious years I will never have again, with sweet memories intermingled with sadness. I can tell you this, no matter how many times the people around you say strong willed children are always very-very smart and grow up to be leaders, it DOES NOT MATTER to the mother when two kids are throwing a temper tantrum at the library, the store, the restaurant, the (any public place ripe for humiliation)? It was as if I attached myself so directly to their irrational behavior, ahhh here it comes, I lost myself.

I had a sage piece of advice when Lo was very young. “True, God gives us the right parents, but He also gives us the right children too.”  They changed me. They caused me to dig in and be more strong willed then them; I had to finish each punishment down to the letter. I had to plant my feet on Christ, my friends and my family. I had to pray, and pray and pray.  I had to get over myself. I needed to be humiliated and disobeyed. My-self, me, Jenny, needed to realize the world is a bigger place then my wants and needs. I needed to realize that I was a child and the kids were taking over my playground, my life.

Most amazing of all this, who would they be without the younger me? Not who they are today. In these many months of reflection I look at my older children and recognize what God had done for them through me. They are brilliant, successful, and independent, they love Jesus!!! They have nice manners and wash their hands after going to the bathroom. They love others. They are not violent or rude. (Most of the time) Their teachers love them, other people love them. I LOVE them. We are all more prepared and comfortable with each other. They have given me a rare gift, a total and complete appreciation for the baby. They have given me perspective. They have lowered my expectations to the best possible end result. They have made me a better mother.  

Onward Christian Soldiers. I have forgiven myself; I have allowed Christ to forgive me. Through the grace of God, I move forward and continue to battle guilt and fear as a parent. It will always be there, nagging, questioning me. I will do my best to choose joy and victory whenever possible. When impossible, I will have to choose forgiveness.