My Rock Got Kicked

Three years and some months ago our families’ life changed. Mark lost his job. He lost his job of 13 years. He lost the job that brought us together as a couple. It was the hardest thing that has ever happened to him and me, and like many hard things, it was also the best thing that happened. A yoke had been lifted off our backs. God, in his infinite mercy, removed this job when we could not.

Mark was unemployed for 1 month. It was the best month of our marriage. I jokingly tell people everyone should experience unemployment for one month. He belonged to no one but us. He spent time with the kids, he spent time with me, and we enjoyed our family. We held on super tight to one another through an emotional grieving process. There were PLENTY of nerves, worry and more then a healthy dose of anxiety, that part was not fun. We knew God had removed the job, so he MUST have a plan for our future.

He took a job. He took a job at a 20% pay cut, he wore a uniform, and carried a tool box everywhere he went. Mark had no set hours and only 5 days off the entire year, no sick pay. He would frequently get up at 4-4:30 to be at a job in the Woodlands then hop in his truck to Sugar Land then downtown and back to the Woodlands, all in one day. He had to climb ladders, carry multiple tools and work under unrealistic time constraints.  

About a year into the job he let me know that people treated him different, second class. I was horrified. It made me so sad and angry. It made him sad for the people that were dialuzioned into thinking he was second class, no matter what job he held.  He said, and continues to say, that he is so grateful to have experienced that feeling. He knew what it felt like to be shamed because he was not dressed up or "important", and he would NEVER overlook anyone for any reason from that point forward. I loved him more.
 Each physically or mentally difficult job he did as if he owned the company. He woke up at those crazy hours and never complained. (hardly ever) He was my rock.

We would sit and hold each other sometimes on our couch and say, “This really sucks.” We knew, we so so so knew, that there were tons of people worse off, and it gave us a comradeship with those people. Sure, our kids are not homeless and they get almost everything they want, but this is not the life we want either.

The experience of a bad job was the best thing our family was exposed to. Mark had an appreciation an epiphany; family and Christ is what define me, not my  job. We had made it a point to eat together as a family a few nights a week before; it became MANDATORY. Every single weekend was precious, every detail of every part of our life outside "the job" was sacred.

I think I would have gone crazy without his constant voice of faith. He knew this was an interim job, we needed to be patient. Mark believed God had made him a promise. I had to have faith.

We got pregnant. We had Selah. Moses started Kindergarten. By God’s grace, and a village of support, we were learning to survive.  

A little over a year ago, a client of his company, a law firm, recognized what I saw in him. And just like that, our lives changed again.

I had  no idea how much stress a bad job was on our family unit, until it was gone. We were so free. FREEEEEE!

“I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen.” Jeremiah 29:11-12

Chase Tower

Mark loves his job. He wears a tie, he has a beautiful office on the 42^nd floor, and he has tremendous benefits with ample time off. Sill, it is just a job. I am grateful for what we have, today. What is to stop complacency in the future? To start, I need to remember to ask God every single day to remind me how blessed I am. 

The Cutest EVER

Great perk to working downtown? Lunch with Daddy!

I never pass up the opportunity to photograph food.

Greek Salad from Niko Niko's!!!

Big Girl Chair

Eating Mommy's Pita

Her First Fountain

I love Market Square Park, and babies...and my boots.

I Will Have to Choose Forgiveness

Motherhood is funny, sometimes ha-ha funny, sometime not ha-ha funny, more like “is this a sick joke?” funny.  I had a baby. I changed. I had absolutely no idea how little I changed, until I had three babies. I lost myself somewhere in the throws of two toddlers. I found myself again while pregnant with the third child. During that pregnancy, I was so overwhelmed with fear I would lose myself again, and God graciously pointed out, I was still lost.  I have beaten myself to a bloody emotional mess so many times it became redundant and I had to face my guilt and my glory. The Lord sheltered me, and gave me peace when I was at utter unrest. With His guidance I started looking at my journey thus far with a mindset of joy and victory.

 I am a mother, a loving, kind, fun, generous, selfish and sometimes angry mother. Practically, and painfully I have to look back at the times when I was so angry and reflect on that moment of disconnect between rational and rage. What made me so mad? Exhaustion? Fear? Frustration? The horror that this was going to happen tomorrow and the next day, and the next? Telletubbies?  I tend to think of that time, or really I do not like to think of that time at all. What a shame. This is one of the things I began to explore when pregnant. WHY was I so afraid of the past? I believe I was so completely convinced I had totally screwed up, that I blocked out 5 whole years? Short, precious years I will never have again, with sweet memories intermingled with sadness. I can tell you this, no matter how many times the people around you say strong willed children are always very-very smart and grow up to be leaders, it DOES NOT MATTER to the mother when two kids are throwing a temper tantrum at the library, the store, the restaurant, the (any public place ripe for humiliation)? It was as if I attached myself so directly to their irrational behavior, ahhh here it comes, I lost myself.

I had a sage piece of advice when Lo was very young. “True, God gives us the right parents, but He also gives us the right children too.”  They changed me. They caused me to dig in and be more strong willed then them; I had to finish each punishment down to the letter. I had to plant my feet on Christ, my friends and my family. I had to pray, and pray and pray.  I had to get over myself. I needed to be humiliated and disobeyed. My-self, me, Jenny, needed to realize the world is a bigger place then my wants and needs. I needed to realize that I was a child and the kids were taking over my playground, my life.

Most amazing of all this, who would they be without the younger me? Not who they are today. In these many months of reflection I look at my older children and recognize what God had done for them through me. They are brilliant, successful, and independent, they love Jesus!!! They have nice manners and wash their hands after going to the bathroom. They love others. They are not violent or rude. (Most of the time) Their teachers love them, other people love them. I LOVE them. We are all more prepared and comfortable with each other. They have given me a rare gift, a total and complete appreciation for the baby. They have given me perspective. They have lowered my expectations to the best possible end result. They have made me a better mother.  

Onward Christian Soldiers. I have forgiven myself; I have allowed Christ to forgive me. Through the grace of God, I move forward and continue to battle guilt and fear as a parent. It will always be there, nagging, questioning me. I will do my best to choose joy and victory whenever possible. When impossible, I will have to choose forgiveness.